Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
