Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize