So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
