Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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