today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
