I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
