I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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