i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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