Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Randomize
