Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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