You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
