I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Randomize
