So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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