My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
