So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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