dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
