Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
