I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
