i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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