I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
