Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
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