The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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