I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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