toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
