u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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