I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
