All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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