Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
