she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
