Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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