okay pat passed out under dana's car
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
