Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
