My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
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