remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
