I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
