Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I need to stop coming to work sober
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
