DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
