Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
