Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
