while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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