There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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