phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I came so hard my ears popped.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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