I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
