did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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