If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
