the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
How does it feel to date your dad?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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