He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Congratulations! We have a period
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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