He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize