Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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