One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
