I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
