Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
