made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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