Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
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