I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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