So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
