so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
