wrigley field is MILF paradise
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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