Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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